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Why I Hate Pandas: A Tirade against the Adorable and Fluffy

April 5, 2013
There are so many photos of pandas doing stupid things, it is hard to choose just one to show you.

Pandas can’t even get up after falling over. How are they supposed to fight off a hungry anything?

I truly dislike pandas.  I thought I was alone in this hatred of these large adorwable monochromatic animals, and was merely going to tally up all the reasons pandas should die, but apparently, the internet is one step ahead of me.  Simply by typing in “pandas are useless” Google found me myriad sites that essentially, outline my personal tirade against pandas.  Pandas are too stupid to have sex (no really, male pandas have been fed Viagra to try to get them in the mood with limited success), female pandas don’t recognize and attack or sit on their babies, female pandas are fertile a measly 3 days of a year.  Pandas eat only one plant despite being carnivores by body composition, and bamboo has the nutritional quality of sandpaper.  Pandas are lazy, seem anti-camouflage on general principle, and have the IQ range somewhere between a smart rock and dumb domesticated turkey.

So much for being original in believing that pandas should be allowed to do as nature and Darwin intended and become extinct.  Clearly a more nuanced argument against pandas must be made or I could be accused of being derivative.

Let's cuddle and stay up late talking about our love of bamboo instead.

You want to kill me? Lil ol me? I’m bearely a mouthful!

But the anti-panda rants of the blogosphere miss one key point that makes pandas particularly infuriating: their effect on human beings.  We, as a species, love anything that is cute- it’s hardwired into our brains to make us want to take care of them.  This is why human and most mammal animal babies have large foreheads, eyes and cheeks.  This ups the cute factor, and therefore their chance for survival.   So the biggest reason I hate pandas is because they MANIPULATE us.  They are incredibly stupid, and yet by looking as they do, all fuzzy and helpless, they successfully manage to ensure their survival via us.  Yes, I am making the audacious claim that pandas actually have BENEFITED by human intervention.  Perhaps they even got increasingly cute over the centuries as human beings became entranced by the adorable ones while killing their uglier compatriots?  It’s a theory.

So let’s fight the panda’s insidious influence, dear ones.  Let’s lobby to save more deserving but less cute animals like sharks, wild dogs, and wombats.  Don’t let biology, psychology and internet memes stand in the way of rationality and common sense.  It’s time to stop wasting resources trying to save the giant panda, which, quite frankly, doesn’t pull its own ecological weight, despite being over 200 pounds.  Even some conservationists agree that it is time to pull the plug on these critters and spend valuable funds on more survival-oriented, deserving species.

After all, if dinosaurs couldn’t make it on planet Earth, it just seems wrong that pandas can. Seriously.  Think about some species of deceased dinos for a moment.  And compare their badassery to pandas.  Right.

Case closed.

Though I suppose it's better for human beings that this guy did not make it past the Cretaceous period.

Darwin would of approved of this one.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. permalink
    April 5, 2013 10:26 AM

    Dear Luca: as you know, I enjoy your posts. 

    The latest one leads me to make two observations: One has to do with your use of the word “measly” when characterizing their fertility. As you know measles is a viral disease with a rash and an upper respiratory infection.

    Second point: Darwin would not have said ” would of approved”; he would have said “would have approved”.

    So thinks your grandpapa, Bert.


  2. May 3, 2013 8:27 PM

    You are pretty funny. I guess funny runs in the family. 😛 Thanks for the support.

  3. May 8, 2014 7:32 PM

    These pandas don’t plan on being the way they are, its not their fault. also pandas HAVE NOT benefited from human intervention, we are the reason they are almost extinct so i think we at least owe it to them to help them survive due to our selfish actions. yes you could sit here and say ‘i am not personally responsible for their deaths’ but couldn’t everyone sit back and say that? It takes a bigger person to say ‘no its probably not me that caused their extinction but i’m going to help them anyway’ thankfully there are very few human beings like you and most of us in the world have the heart to help an animal in need.

    • Jacob Hooper permalink
      June 16, 2017 3:46 AM

      you are my favourite person

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