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So, Apparently, I Have A Son

December 9, 2011

The annual holiday party was wrapping up; most of the younger employees were on the drunk side of pleasantly buzzed, and the cheesecake platter was left with only a trail of graham cracker crumbs smeared with strawberry topping. As I donned my coat to leave, the ebullient and kind office manager told me that there were so many leftovers that everyone should take some home to loved ones and roommates. I was seeing the hungry 6-foot-5 boyfriend that night, so I headed over to the groaning board of pastas, chicken and more pastas and began to load up. As I debated between grabbing two pieces of chicken or three, an employee I hadn’t yet met said from behind me:

“Hey, are you going to leave a little for the rest of us?”

I turned around and saw a gray-haired man with a leftover box in hand and twinkle in his eye. I looked over the three other full platters of chicken breasts. He winked.

“I’ll have you know, I have a very hungry person waiting for me at home!” I protested, laughing.

He smiled as he picked up the designated chicken tongs. “Yeah I know. I also have a son.”

Cue jaw drop.

So… apparently I look old enough to have a son. Not just a baby son either, mind you: a son old enough to eat people food in the form of mediocre Italian. Like, at least a five year old. I know that it is not unheard of for a 23 year old woman to have a five year old child, but still. I can’t help but to giggle.

I have always viewed pregnancy and small children in terms of Alien, the movie- you know the chestburster scene?  Yeah, babies are like that- parasites that explode out of your midsection, feeding on your nutrients and flesh before coming out to terrorize the world. I would not make a good mother… yet.

On the flip side, I also now have the very disturbing image of my boyfriend in overalls, holding a melty-orange Popsicle and sobbing.

Maybe I’ll name my imaginary little nipper Alan.

Here's the picture of my kid I'm going to use for my Christmas photo!

Which one is baby and which is the alien?

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Diana Camosy permalink
    December 9, 2011 11:53 PM

    I think viewing pregnancy as an alien growing inside you is probably a sign of clear-eyed maturity. Certainly my mom still views it that way, and I turned out fine.

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