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Infidelity: How Often Do People Cheat in Real Life?

February 3, 2016

If aliens (the little green kind) watched Western TV or our romantic comedies to try to understand humans before making first contact, they would be under several misapprehensions. First, they would likely conclude that the more two people seem to hate each other, the more likely it is they will end up madly in love. (This means I am secretly destined for Slade “Future Axe Murderer” from Georgia, the only adult male I have gotten in a physical fight with. This also has frightening implications for the futures of Kim Jong-un and Park Geun-hye.) The aliens would posit that grand gestures of affection are common place and one can really only express what one feels by riding in on a horse through New York City, calling into a radio show to profess love, or stopping a wedding by screaming “I object!” If a woman has an important career she can’t be lucky in love, nerds always wear glasses, the good guys can take 50 bullets to their body and keep on going but one shot to the bad guy will take him out. Pub fights are common, almost everyone is thin and good-looking and have straight, square teeth. The entire continent of Africa doesn’t exist except as a milieu for blood diamonds.

Aliens would also likely believe that human beings are terribly unfaithful creatures. Media tells us that most of the miscommunication between men and women occur because of lies, infidelity, and lies about infidelity. Even as a native Earthlander, I have to confess to having being sucked into this conception of the world. (Amy Schumer’s “Monogamy is unrealistic!” opener in Trainwreck comes to mind.) When I was younger I assumed that most relationships ended in divorce, and most divorce occurred due to cheating. But I now have a much more sunny conception of the rates of infidelity. Even if I don’t pretend that people are completely faithful, penguin-like, I think that infidelity occurs far less often than media portrays it.

kitty with potato

The idea of betrayal, particularly any type of betrayal involving sex is salacious, but I think it is time to set the record straight. So, in one of my super scientific surveys (see previous ones concerning conceptions of virginity, self destructive tendencies, and whether men and women can ever be friends) I asked Facebook denizens and friends alike to answer in a completely anonymous survey if they had ever cheated.

The results were surprising.

Read more…


A Diary from the Night from Hell

May 1, 2015

There is an old Donald Duck cartoon in which poor Donald, weary traveling duck, stops at a motel to get a good night’s sleep. As you can imagine, his sleep is anything but restful. Advertisement signs flash into his bedroom and the bed isn’t the most comfy. But his true nemesis is the faucet. The faucet dripping, that maddening, slightly irregular sound of a drop of water falling into a porcelain sink. That distinctive ‘Drip tink, drip tink.’ In the still night, this sound resonates and grows and slowly drives him mad.

Oh Donald, I feel you, man.


Admittedly, there was a thermostat on the wall; its blazingly bright blue LED screen, a beacon in the darkness of the room, informed me it was 77 degrees in the room. I set it for 68 degrees. The thermostat was like, “Oh honey, that’s cute, you think you control me,” and proceeded to raise the temperature of the bedroom a degree per hour until it settled on a nice 80 degrees. Oh I know! The window.


I try to open the window. Why is a 6th floor window locked shut?


Are they afraid of jumpers? Is this hotel that bad?


Shift. Shift. Plump the pillow. Throw the other pillow on the ground. I look at the double bed next to mine. Where is Zeke anyway? I lost him to the drinkers earlier, but he knows we are leaving at 7:00am tomorrow morning. He’ll be back soon.


Perhaps I should read? No. Must try to sleep.

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Old Men Stories

April 20, 2015
tags: , ,
Inside an old gentleman's body is a young rogue trying to get out.

Age is just a number…

Ron and Jack sat in two armchairs, facing each other, surrounded by their clinical students. Both were feeling expansive, the wine spoke to them and they were relaxed. Ron, the younger of the two, was 68. Jack, with his full head of silver hair and copious laugh lines, was 73. The students ranged in age from 23 to 34. The two old men shook their heads at the beauty and folly of being surrounded by so much youth.

Ron began. “You think you feel old at 30? Let me tell you how you know that you are truly old. I was standing in line at the movie the other day with my daughter­– my wife and her husband were parking the car. When I got up to the cash register, I told the woman, ‘Four tickets please,’ before I realized that I counted as a senior citizen, and could get the senior citizen discount. You get that now, at what, sixty-two?”

“Sixty-five I think,” Jack corrected.

Ron ignored him. “So, I amended, I said, ‘I think I count as for the senior citizen discount now,’ and I started to pull out my license. She shook her head and said, ‘I know, I put in the discount as soon as you walked up!’”

The students nervously started to laugh.

“Not only have I stopped getting carded for booze, but they won’t even check to see if I am under sixty-two! And that is how you know you are old.”

Jack raised his eyebrow in disbelief at his friend. “You think that makes you feel old? You ain’t heard nothing yet. Read more…

My Brother’s Keeper

April 2, 2015
The flower girl from a wedding I attended.

More interested in her stuffed animal than her brother.

Disclaimer: My brother gave me permission to post this- I talked about it with him.

The pint-sized princess in pink was clearly the big sister.  She wore her sparkly dress and tiara with the careless, unstudied abandon that only children have. She unselfconsciously wiped her nose and pushed her crown higher up into her light brown hair as she danced to the free big band concert that was taking place on the green of Golden Gate Park, part of a San Francisco summer.  She stomped her feet and waddled around to the beat of a piece that was supposed to evoke the sounds of the 1920s.  She made paddling motions with her hands as she turned in circles.

A little boy who could only be her brother mimicked her every move. It was evident even from where I was sitting, yards away on a hill, that he worshiped her. He watched to see how she moved and moved his chubby limbs in a jerky simulacrum.  When she stopped dancing to laugh or poke him or climb up the slick modern looking rock statue near her self-proclaimed stage, it was like watching an Abbott and Costello routine.  He would do a double take as he suddenly noticed she had moved on to doing something else. You could see him stop, think, and re-engage with the new notion of play.

Sometimes she would slyly look back, to make sure her baby brother was following in her footsteps before plunging off again.  But most of the time, there was no need: she knew he’d be there.

I have been thinking a lot recently about the role siblings play as one ages into adulthood.  When I was a child, my most constant companion wasn’t my best friend, but my two and a half year younger brother. He was my partner in crime, my doll to dress up, my confidante, my ally against the adult world, my annoyance, my embarrassment, my responsibility, and my servant. He did not necessarily agree to filling all these roles in my life, and he probably saw me similarly as both his protector and his jailer, someone to emulate and someone to scorn.  And God, we could be horrible to each other.  I would hold his Power Rangers hostage, and draw him maps to point to where I had tied them up in his closet, but use cursive handwriting so he couldn’t read the map labels.  I used to giggle when he bellowed with rage. We sometimes fought like cats, physically scrabbling with each other, me punching him into submission when he disrespected my authority, all the while taunting him to learn to ‘use his words.’  What can I say: children are Id, and my superego was later than some in developing.

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Popsicle Stick Humor

November 6, 2014
sack race age 12

The July 4th Annual Sack Race. I thumped my way delicately across the field, beating the six and seven years old with aplomb and grace.

 Alternatively titled: An Exercise in Futility (get it? heh?)

The cheap birch wood of the sticks were sticky in the palm of my fist as I ran. I clenched them tightly. I was pretty sure I had a popsicle stick splinter in my thumb for my labor. I had five, and I was close to getting a sixth. There was no way I was dropping one now.

I numbly kept going, trying to ignore the sting of sweat trickling into my eyes, the sharp pain in my side, and the heaviness of my feet. My shirt clung to my body like a vine, and my skin itched everywhere. My shorts rode up on the inside of my thighs and most of my hair had long ago given up on staying in the short ponytail. I gasped and panted and tried to get more air and it felt as though I was breathing through water. My face was bright red, and I could feel the heat emanating from my cheeks.

Middle School gym class was the WORST.

“Keep on going! You are doing great!” Mr. Seymour, ever encouraging, yelled from the lap line. He looked at me. He smiled at my round face. “C’mon! You are almost here! Hustle!” I made a pathetic effort to hustle. I reached him and held out my hand. He slapped down a popsicle stick, and I curled my fingers around it as my feet carried me past him. My prize. “Only two more mandatory laps! You are so close to finishing!”

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How to Solve Racism in America: Two Case Studies

October 22, 2014
Okay, I can, but only because I was taught to spot the differences.

“The discussion about racism always evokes interesting reactions. It seems to have the power to unmask us and reveal primal emotions that embarrass and confuse us because they cut through our veneers of rationality and decency, exposing naked, primitive survival instincts.”


It's a metaphor?

A black baby plays with her armless white doll in rural South Africa.

People largely agree that racism is a problem in America. This is apparent culturally, socio-economically and even legally. Despite ostensible equality under the law, the percentage of black men in prison, in proportion to their white counterparts, as well the huge disparity between black and white men’s sentence durations, especially for drug related offenses, hint at the broader underlying issue. Too few minorities are leaders in business, tech or politics. Movies are still appallingly whitewashed. America has structural inequality that makes it more difficult for minorities to succeed, especially black women. Galtung calls it ‘structural violence.’ I call it money attracts money, power attracts power, and white man’s historical hold on both still give him a statistical leg up.

Read more…

An International Incident at the UN… Plaza

June 23, 2014
Usually with more homeless people and less seagulls.

UN Plaza Fountain. The setting of WWIII.

Emotions were running high on the aptly named UN Plaza.  Africa was readying for battle with Asia, and it was over… artisanal bread.  Africa was represented by a broad bald man with soft cultured accent, wearing an African print shirt and an exasperated frown. Asia was a tiny, bird-like older Chinese lady; her eyes were black and shiny and full of a child’s guile in her wrinkled face.  She wore comfortable once-white sneakers, a turquoise visor and a fanny pack. She held her arms close, in front of her body, her fingers at the ready like a Jurassic Park Velociraptor.

It was around 5:00pm.  I had just left work and was stopping at the farmer’s market on my way home when I unknowingly entered this international incident in the making.

“The Rosemary and olive bread please,” I asked the man in the African print shirt.  He got my bread off of the rack and slid it into a bag for me, all the while staring at the little old Asian lady who had sidled off to the left of his rack. He stopped reaching for my money and instead, slowly and deliberately, placed his hand over his bread in front of Asia.

“Don’t touch the bread!” he said harshly.  I must have shown my surprise on my face because he instantly explained: “She’s been poking and touching my breads, my buns, my cakes.  No one wants to buy misshapen, poked bread.  She won’t buy it, she just wants to touch it and ruin it. She knows what she is doing is wrong and yet if I turn my back for an instant- Hey!”

As he spoke to me, Asia made her move.  She darted in from behind me and with a savage little poke of her forefinger, smushed a corner of a cinnamon bun. She glanced around and saw that Africa was watching.  She grinned a feral little grin.

“Peh!” she said.  She lifted up her forefinger and straightened it.

He moved to intercept.

Her finger flew towards the bun once again.  Poke poke poke! She got three strong, bread misshaping pokes before with a snarl, the man managed to move the tray away from her.  She moved back slightly, and then whipped around to the other side of his stall and away, her little feet rapidly shuffling on the stone.  Once she knew she was safe she stopped and patted her fanny pack.  Pretending nothing had just happened she wandered over to a fruit stand, whose owner, having witnessed the exchange, was moving the peaches.

Still would have tasted good....

A ‘Before’ photo. There was really no bun left to speak of for after.

“You have a nice day,” Africa growled at me. He looked sadly at his deformed, fingered cinnamon bun.  I looked bemused at his deformed, fingered cinnamon bun.  Should I intervene, buy the bun, to smooth over this capitalistic clash in the market?

“You too.”  The American, no longer staying true to her role in world politics, was grateful to extricate herself.